I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
