is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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