I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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