I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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