Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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