Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
