I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
