Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
