I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
