There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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