he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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