I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
