have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
