Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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