apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
