the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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