seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
50% drunk capacity currently
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
