unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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