i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
