Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
