I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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