Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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