shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
