Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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