Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
