Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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