i wish there were pregnant emoticons
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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