peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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