Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
