I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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