i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
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Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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