chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
