I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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