I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
