The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
