Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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