I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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