i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
