Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
