Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
