i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
