I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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