You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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