I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
