never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
