It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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