we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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