Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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