theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
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