I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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