I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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