just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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