when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
