why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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