the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
