Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
